The 2nd

Dear Keyan,

Another months has passed.  Today marks 10 months since you died.  My brain still can not quite make sense of this reality.  I move fluidity between denial and acceptance, anger and joy, and beauty and pain.  I miss you, every single thing about you.  I miss your hair, and your little hand that fit so perfectly into mine.  I miss your wit and the joy you added into our lives.  I miss you asking if we had put water on your toothbrush every single time and I miss the toothbrush cycle ending and you pushing the button to go another round...again and again and again.  I miss pushing your wheelchair and worrying that my back would give out every time I lifted that crazy heavy chair.  I miss you whining about getting your hair brushed while you rolled your eyes the whole time I was doing it.  I miss my purpose. I miss teasing you about having pinchers when you were a little crabby or calling your favorite stuffed animal by the wrong name and hearing you laugh over and over again about us not getting it right.  I miss you sitting in your chair or laying in your bed with your iPad.  I miss your breathy little voice behind me in the car.  I miss your love for Maddie and your inability to be gentle with her.  I just miss everything that encompasses you!

It has been a busy month.  Last month at this time it was spring break.  Since then, we have spent a lot of our time at track meets for Jamahl and water polo matches for McKenzy and Sidney.  Sometimes I am certain that you are pushing Jamahl along that track helping him to go faster and I know for sure you are right there in the pool with the girls....Kenzy has scored 4 goals this season and Sidney got her first kick out last week...I know you are helping those shots go in to the goal and encouraging Sidney to take risks even if she gets caught!  Abby has been insanely busy getting ready for the musical. She is so excited to preform this weekend.  It sounds like it is going to be a fun show.  I know you would have loved watching her in her true element.  You always loved her dancing all over the place.  If you aren't too busy I hope that you can catch a little bit of her show.  You will have the best seat in the house!

We started going to a grief support group a few weeks ago.  Mom and Dad are in group with other parents who have had children die and the girls go to a group with all middle schoolers who have experienced a death of some sort.  Jamahl was going to join us but his schedule just couldn't fit it in.  It has been a good place for all of us to know that we are not alone in this pain.  There are other people out there experiencing some of the same feelings we all are.  It is hard to face it every week but afterwards, I am so glad we went.  We got to tell your story last week.  It was impossible to sum up your life and death in 5-7 minutes but your Daddy did a great job and I cried and filled in with some details. There is so much more I want those people to know about you and that will come.  Did you know you are our hero?  Did I tell you enough how amazing you were and how incredibly strong you were?  Did I tell you how much better you made my life? I hope you know and how I wish I had said it more often.

These daffodils are blooming in the sand of your future memorial garden.  Will we ever get it done?  Your Dad has worked tirelessly to have it done in the next two months.  These flowers remind me of you...so stubborn and with a will to live no matter what.  They also remind me that I too can flourish even when the conditions aren't ideal.  This part of my life is not an accident.  Your death is part of my story and even though it is excruciating, it is mine...and I hope to blossom despite the terrain.

I feel a little a lot, lost without you here.  We are staying so busy but I feel so broken inside.  I wish I could express to people how I love love love watching the sports and other life events but at the same exact time feel so much pain over being able to be there or being there without you.  Those two opposite emotions flow through my veins simultaneously most of the time and some days it leaves me feeling a little crazy because I can't make sense of them melding together.  It isn't that I feel one more than the other, it is both joy and agony rushing through me, guiding me, and sometimes leaving me utterly exhausted.  The anguish of living without you for 10 months is just about more than I can bear.  But every time, when I think I can't do it for another minute, you send me wink.  A song, or a rainbow, or a bird, or the color red, and it gives me hope.  Those little things strengthen me for more moments without you.   You show me that you are still right here with me!  I am not going to lie though,  I sure wish you did those things more often.  McKenzy says you are just busy and never really liked communicating all that much anyways.  I will keep being patient.  I know you are experiencing things that I can't even begin to fathom. I know that you are SO much more than good. And Keyan, even through my broken agonizing heart, I can smile because I got to be your mom!  I got to carry you inside of me, and take care of you when this world was so hard. I got to learn all about you.  I got to celebrate your triumphs and pick you back up when you failed.   And I am even blessed to have handed you right back into the arms of God as you went home.  You are light and love and purity and I love that you are ours.  

I love you more than you will ever know,

Mom