I have struggled with why this day is so hard. It just doesn't make sense to me. I have four immensely amazing children here on this earth with me. I have SOO much to be grateful for. But the fact that I have also given one of my children back to God leaves me feeling so much agony and despair on this day. Once again it is the both/and....it is my arms and heart being so full and yet so empty at the same time. I have struggled for days trying to get my brain to settle and it wasn't until I saw this picture on my phone this morning that I was able to just be ok with how I was feeling. It was like an "Ah-ha" moment for me. Look at Keyan in this picture from Tulip Time 201, click on this grainy 7 year old picture and you will see it too. This picture is the perfect display of why I feel such a void. I am not even going to type it out. My heart knew instantly upon seeing this moment that my camera captured why it was heavy today. It isn't that my living children are any less special, unique, or loved, it is the fact that she is the icing on our cake.
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