I awoke this morning with a heaviness in my chest. I struggled to take a deep breath and felt panicked. Throughout the morning I found myself short of breath and anxious no matter how I tried to push back the feelings. Finally, I stopped fighting it all and gave in to the emotions that today brings. Yes, it is Super Bowl Sunday and our favorite team isn't playing. Yes, the date is a palindrome date that we haven't seen in some insane amount of years. For me though, today is February 2, and it is a Sunday; 31 months since we sat beside Keyan's bed and watched God welcome her into her forever home.
No matter how hard I try to just skim over the second of every month, my brain is like a fire alarm that feels the extra heat of my emotions and it rings loudly every single month. It isn't just once a month, it is also every single Sunday. Every week, the day brings more acute feelings in this journey and I am forced to pause and feel it or the day spirals out of control. So today feels like a double whammy so to speak.
Thirty one months is hard to comprehend. I find looking at pictures easier than I once did. My heartache has changed since those early days from a sharp stabbing pain to a constant dull ache. Life requires that I am able to put all those messy feelings on a shelf every now and again so that I can make dinner for my family, teach, cheer on my kids at their stuff, and live this life in front of me. My time spent on the bathroom floor curled up in my tears and emotions get further and further apart and yet when I do find myself there, it is a deeper and more raw feeling that it once was. I can not let my grief overcome me on a day to day basis but when it does it is paralyzing for a those moments and the reality is that it isn't only on Sundays or the 2nd of the month....it can be any moment or any day. Missing her is still catching me off guard sometimes and it is still hard to understand how she was once physically here with us, requiring so much of my time and energy. I miss that to my core. I miss her absence in my day to day life.
Her absence is still so huge. She impacted me in so many ways that those holes will never be filled, nor do I want them to be. My heart carries her with me with every beat and I am grateful to feel her in the middle of our crazy busy life filled with our crazy messy emotions. Today will be what it is going to be. It will be hard at times and good at times and even arduous and hopeful at the same time; feeling it instead of running from it moves me through it and I will endure and thrive despite the pain it brings....and the sun is shining! What a gift for today!
I will never forget the joy and the pain in this picture. I remember feeling at the time that God was preparing our hearts to walk her home.
That fateful morning 31 months ago.
That fateful morning 31 months ago.
