My halloween thus far...

It is Halloween....and it has been one of the hardest days for me in the 17 weeks.  Keyan loved Halloween...which I always found interesting since she couldn't eat any of the candy.  Several years she sold her candy to one of our nurses or her grandparents.  The last couple years, she just gave it to her siblings, carefully doled out so that they each got their favorite but Jamahl always got the best of it.  She loved her big brother.

Our Puppy

She loved dressing up although she always sort of let her sisters guide her in what she should be....and sometimes the weather determined it for her.  She was a pumpkin or elephant more times than I can count because they were the warmest costumes we had!  She didn't care, if her sisters thought that is what she should be, that is what she did.

Water fairy

There were years that my brother brought golf carts down and we rode through the neighborhood driving as close to the doors as we could so that Keyan could manage.  Some of the neighbors had non food treats for her well before the teal pumpkin project of today.  It didn't matter to her what she got, she loved every minute of it.

An Island girl

So today, the waves of my grief have been monsoon like in size, my tears rarely stopping.  I feel like my purpose is gone. I am missing the girl who we made special arrangements for, I am missing my girl who held my hand from house to house. I am missing my girl and her wheelchair that Paul faithfully pushed for as long as she wanted to participate.   I am missing what she brought to our family.  It feels like we are so disjointed, so muddled, so foggy, and so pained.

Minnie Mouse

I had a doctors appointment this afternoon and I was looking forward to the distraction from the day.  But as I walked in to OBGYN's office, I had a sneaking suspicion that it might just be harder to handle than I thought.  An office that was so full of new life...pictures of newborns everywhere, and here I was so stuck in my daughters death.  And no, I am not pregnant....that is out of the cards for us, but rather trying to take care of an issue that I have put off since the delivery of my girls.  It was one of the things that I told myself I would do after Keyan passed away was find time to take care of my own health.  So I was just getting on top of my emotions about all of the new babies when the nurse said she needed my obstetrical history.  That included how many pregnancies, how many births, the names of all of our children and their ages, and if they were all living.  There I sat, in front of a tech I had never met, and I couldn't speak....I couldn't get the words out.  I couldn't remembered who had delivered my kids, I couldn't remember the name of the high risk OB that took care of the girls, non of it.  I sat with tears streaming down my face, taking deep breaths.  But every time I opened my mouth to speak, I choked on the words...no, Keyan didn't die at birth, she just died this past July.  I hated how vulnerable I felt, I hated that those words even exist.

Pocahontas

Eventually, the tech looked up from her computer and realized I was having a hard time.  She was really kind and offered me a paper towel so that I could at least stop the tears from streaming on to my shirt and she offered her sympathies and condolences.  It never occurred to me that I would have to answer these questions...I was there because I pee my pants if  I try to do anything....carrying four babies puts a lot of stress on your bladder....and I had never had time to do anything about it.  I thought I was being brave and living up to a promise I had made myself to do something about it so that I can run and be active with my kids without the bothersome peeing problem.  I never expected to have to talk about Keyan in that office today.  It was crushing.

Ladybug

And than, after I had pulled myself together and made it through the appointment I headed to grab some candy for Jamahl since he will be at swim practice tonight instead of trick or treating.  I picked up all his favorites and a sub for him to have an early dinner. I was on my way back home when out of the blue the tears started all over again.  While the idea of going to heaven certainly isn't a bad one right now, I don't  want my other kids and Paul to have to deal with that on top of everything else, so I pulled over.  Heaving sobs escaped my body and the only thing I could think was "How will I ever survive Christmas if stupid Halloween is so damn hard?" I sat in the grocery store parking lot for a solid 20 minutes trying to steady my breathing and stop the tears.  It was brutal and ugly but it had to come out.

Elephant

And just now, I asked Jamahl for a real hug because I needed to feel his warmth and aliveness. He held me for a minute before trying to knock my off my feet with his boy strength and antsiness.  He made me laugh.  I am waiting for the girls to get home so I can quick feed them and then they are going to trick or treat with a friend and Paul and I are supposed to go to dinner....I would like to crawl into my bed and have this day end. But I am going to keep breathing and keep putting my feet in front of the other, because my kids are watching, my husband deserves an hour or so with a wife who isn't totally loosing it, and Keyan would have wanted me to go on with the day and make the best of it, just like she ALWAYS did!

A mothers worry

Today, the librarians of the girls' school emailed me that they had put together a display of the books that had been donated.  She wanted kids to know where the books came from and why we had donated books to the library.  The books will eventually end up on the regular shelves mixed in with the rest of the books but the librarians also put together a "Keyan's memorial" book category in their searchable catalog so that if anyone wants to check out one of Keyan's books, they will know which ones are in the library in memory of her.  I was so touched by this act of kindness.

Here's the thing. I didn't loose the schools star football player or the valedictorian.  Keyan was only at Harbor Lights for 6th grade and she wasn't able to be there half of the time because she was struggling with her health.  As her mom, at times I have feared that no one would notice her missing....or that they would forget about her because life goes on.  I fear that beautiful smile will be lost as time goes on.  But the fact that the librarians took the time to put something together settled that worry a little.  They remember her coming in to the library, they remember her smile and her love for reading.  I loved stopping into the middle school library today and seeing the great selection of books surrounding her smiling face.  Keyan would have loved it!  I smiled through my tears and was reassured that she won't be forgotten.  It felt so good.

Keyan's Haven

Over the past few years, many of you have seen pictures of, or at least heard stories about Keyan in our friends pool.  Doug and Daylene have a backyard that is magazine worthy and they are great about letting us enjoy their backyard oasis.  Whether it be swimming in the pool, cooking in the outdoor kitchen, a friendly round of corn hole, or sitting around a fire listening to music, our family has spent lots of time there.  

Keyan LOVED the pool.  It has a beach entry that she enjoyed sitting in and tinkering around with odds and end toys.  She always had the biggest grin when she was squirting her siblings with a squirt gun from her safe zone.  The pool area also has a waterfall, fountain,  and stream feature that is not only gorgeous but was also great for Keyan to play in.  Many a times she stayed up at the top of the stream where the fountain was.  Doug could set it to only bubble a little bit and she would play with the water coming out of the rock.  She liked to put her feet over it, run her hands through the colored lights, and watch her toys go floating thru the currents into the pool.  Even though our family has a pool in the backyard, we spent a lot of time at "Miller Park" because it was SO accessible to Keyan.  She could splash in the stream, sit in a chair under an umbrella in the zero entry part and read a book, or relax up by the fountain.  She also knew that her iPad was fully functional for when she got cold and decided to be out of the pool and that there was always lots of warm towels and blankets to snuggle up in after her time in the water was up.  Their house and backyard became such a place of enjoyment for Keyan and all of our family.  It is safe place where we could all be ourselves, soak each other in, spend time with friends, and it was easy for Keyan to be there too.

Shortly after Keyan died, Doug and Daylene started talking about putting a rock in the pool area to remember Keyan by.  They made it clear that we could have as little or as much involvement as we wanted and throughout the process checked in with us about how we were feeling.  We would go over and get updates on the rock....hearing how Doug looked through all sorts of rocks to find the perfect one way in the back; going thru design options including wording, fonts, and images; learning how the company went about engraving the rock; and stopping by to see their daughter working on the glass.  Our first hands on part came when we had a rainbow painting party.  The six of us went over and each of us painted a color of her rainbow.  When it was your turn to paint, you got to choose the genre of music and what party wouldn't be complete without rainbow cake, candies, and a rainbow balloon?  It was a beautiful weekend day spent laughing, dancing, crying, and being creative.  Healing in so many ways.  Every step of the way brought so many emotions but never once did we feel pressured to not just feel them all no matter what that looked like.  There were lots of tears all around but just as many laughs and hugs.  

Last night, we had the unveiling of the rock ceremony.  It was our family, my parents, Paul's parents, Doug and Daylene, and Angela and Chris.  We kept it to an intimate group so that I could just take the whole thing in without worries.  We started the evening by taking some pictures of the rock and just admiring the artistic beauty.  It turned out absolutely perfect.  It is colorful, whimsical, reminiscent of Keyan, and inviting.  We all commented on how much Keyan would have loved the rock.  It has a large rainbow, some iridescent glass clouds and sun, a mermaid, and the phrase, "True colors are beautiful like a rainbow."  Keyan never had an pretenses about her.  She was who she was and she never apologized.  She embraced her challenges and radiated joy.  The rock symbolizes all of that.  Angela did the fused glass work and is truly talented in her art.  

Then some of the kids decided to enjoy the heated pool.   Next, we  shared in a yummy meal together.  After a few games of corn hole, and some time spent just enjoying the fire and each other, before we knew it, the sun was setting and the show began.  As the sun set, the lights all around the pool came on which includes a spot light on Keyan's rock.  The rock is beautiful in the daylight and just as spectacular in the dark.  

Upon sunset, the music changed to an all Disney playlist and tiki torches were lit all around the pool and down the stream.  It was magical.  Next up, Chris shared some very special words about out girl and demonstrated her strength, beauty, and love  by a magic trick with the fire.  The fire was suddenly filled with all sorts of color...blue, green, pink, purple, teal, etc.  It was amazing!

 While out attention was focused on the beauty of the fire, all of a sudden, the fountain at the top of the stream started bubbling and the it was lit up red.  I don't know all the ins and outs of how Doug timed it but it was perfect.  The day after Keyan died, we gathered at Doug and Daylene's with some of our family and friends to "celebrate" my birthday.  Not much celebrating was happening but I needed to get out of the house and the kids needed to get rid of some energy.  I was not prepared that night to be so struck by Keyan's absence.  I just kept thinking that she should have been in the pool enjoying the night.  I sat o a rock for a lot of the night just staring up at the top of the stream where she would have been.  Doug came over and quietly said that the fountain would not be turned on until we were ready for it.  He knew it was her place, her haven, and he wanted to honor that.  Before last night, those bubblers bad been off for nearly 13 weeks besides a few test runs for the ceremony.  It was time to bring that added life back to the pool.  It was so moving looking up there and seeing the red lights in the fountain that she loved to play in.  I could feel her and almost see her up there.  It was such a wonderful memorial to her.

She would have loved everything about the rock and the night that we all gathered to light it up and turn her fountain back on. The whole night was a precious memorial and tribute to her joy.  It was also a symbol of how much she was loved and how she touched so many in her short time here with us.  Despite our tears, or maybe through them, we all shared in the legacy that one little girl can have on this world.  We are so blessed that God put her in our lives and that we got to love on her.  All that love makes our pain even greater but I wouldn't trade that love for anything.