My halloween thus far...

It is Halloween....and it has been one of the hardest days for me in the 17 weeks.  Keyan loved Halloween...which I always found interesting since she couldn't eat any of the candy.  Several years she sold her candy to one of our nurses or her grandparents.  The last couple years, she just gave it to her siblings, carefully doled out so that they each got their favorite but Jamahl always got the best of it.  She loved her big brother.

Our Puppy

She loved dressing up although she always sort of let her sisters guide her in what she should be....and sometimes the weather determined it for her.  She was a pumpkin or elephant more times than I can count because they were the warmest costumes we had!  She didn't care, if her sisters thought that is what she should be, that is what she did.

Water fairy

There were years that my brother brought golf carts down and we rode through the neighborhood driving as close to the doors as we could so that Keyan could manage.  Some of the neighbors had non food treats for her well before the teal pumpkin project of today.  It didn't matter to her what she got, she loved every minute of it.

An Island girl

So today, the waves of my grief have been monsoon like in size, my tears rarely stopping.  I feel like my purpose is gone. I am missing the girl who we made special arrangements for, I am missing my girl who held my hand from house to house. I am missing my girl and her wheelchair that Paul faithfully pushed for as long as she wanted to participate.   I am missing what she brought to our family.  It feels like we are so disjointed, so muddled, so foggy, and so pained.

Minnie Mouse

I had a doctors appointment this afternoon and I was looking forward to the distraction from the day.  But as I walked in to OBGYN's office, I had a sneaking suspicion that it might just be harder to handle than I thought.  An office that was so full of new life...pictures of newborns everywhere, and here I was so stuck in my daughters death.  And no, I am not pregnant....that is out of the cards for us, but rather trying to take care of an issue that I have put off since the delivery of my girls.  It was one of the things that I told myself I would do after Keyan passed away was find time to take care of my own health.  So I was just getting on top of my emotions about all of the new babies when the nurse said she needed my obstetrical history.  That included how many pregnancies, how many births, the names of all of our children and their ages, and if they were all living.  There I sat, in front of a tech I had never met, and I couldn't speak....I couldn't get the words out.  I couldn't remembered who had delivered my kids, I couldn't remember the name of the high risk OB that took care of the girls, non of it.  I sat with tears streaming down my face, taking deep breaths.  But every time I opened my mouth to speak, I choked on the words...no, Keyan didn't die at birth, she just died this past July.  I hated how vulnerable I felt, I hated that those words even exist.

Pocahontas

Eventually, the tech looked up from her computer and realized I was having a hard time.  She was really kind and offered me a paper towel so that I could at least stop the tears from streaming on to my shirt and she offered her sympathies and condolences.  It never occurred to me that I would have to answer these questions...I was there because I pee my pants if  I try to do anything....carrying four babies puts a lot of stress on your bladder....and I had never had time to do anything about it.  I thought I was being brave and living up to a promise I had made myself to do something about it so that I can run and be active with my kids without the bothersome peeing problem.  I never expected to have to talk about Keyan in that office today.  It was crushing.

Ladybug

And than, after I had pulled myself together and made it through the appointment I headed to grab some candy for Jamahl since he will be at swim practice tonight instead of trick or treating.  I picked up all his favorites and a sub for him to have an early dinner. I was on my way back home when out of the blue the tears started all over again.  While the idea of going to heaven certainly isn't a bad one right now, I don't  want my other kids and Paul to have to deal with that on top of everything else, so I pulled over.  Heaving sobs escaped my body and the only thing I could think was "How will I ever survive Christmas if stupid Halloween is so damn hard?" I sat in the grocery store parking lot for a solid 20 minutes trying to steady my breathing and stop the tears.  It was brutal and ugly but it had to come out.

Elephant

And just now, I asked Jamahl for a real hug because I needed to feel his warmth and aliveness. He held me for a minute before trying to knock my off my feet with his boy strength and antsiness.  He made me laugh.  I am waiting for the girls to get home so I can quick feed them and then they are going to trick or treat with a friend and Paul and I are supposed to go to dinner....I would like to crawl into my bed and have this day end. But I am going to keep breathing and keep putting my feet in front of the other, because my kids are watching, my husband deserves an hour or so with a wife who isn't totally loosing it, and Keyan would have wanted me to go on with the day and make the best of it, just like she ALWAYS did!