"Wonder"

Paul and I took the girls to see the movie "Wonder" today.  Several years ago, we all read the book together before bed.  We all fell in love with Auggie and his family and of course the message of the book.  I won't go into either the movie or the book anymore because I certainly don't want to spoil either of them. I will say, read the book and take everyone you know to the movie.  Life lessons abound that young and old can be reminded of.

This afternoon I started crying about 10 minutes into the movie.  The family is sitting around the dinner table and near the end of the seen, mom, dad, and sister end up tickle attacking Auggie.  For me, the movie felt like it was in slow motion for a few minutes and my breath caught in my throat.  No one else would start crying while the author is just introducing us to the family and showing us some of its dynamics.  But my world stood still for a moment as I focused in on the joy and laughter on everyones faces.  It struck me....this is what is missing.  This is precisely what we lost.  When Keyan died, our family lost its "Wonder."  We lost our sun to orbit around and it feels as if our whole universe is off kilter.

Keyan was joy.  And her quirkiness kept us all laughing.  I know full well that it is easy to perfect our loved ones memories after they die....not many people speak badly of someone after they have left us, but I am here to tell you, Keyan was truly a bright spot in our lives.  I can count on one hand the times that she was crabby and we all laugh at the two times when she got a little mouthy with mom.  Her disease was a ton of work, but SHE was easy to love and take care of.  Her OCD could drive a person crazy but she never had ill intent.  She made us smile, made us see the world differently, and made us better people without even trying.  We are lost without our sun, without our center, without her gravitational pull that kept us all circling around her.  Our lives literally revolved around her and our hearts wouldn't have had it any other way.  

No wonder I hurt so much, no wonder I miss her like crazy and no wonder I feel so lost without her physical presence.  My days were intimately intertwined with hers.  I knew how fast her heart was beating , I knew how many breaths per minute she was breathing, I knew her blood levels, her oxygen levels, and knew the little signs she gave to tell us she was hurting.  I knew her loves, I knew her dislikes, I knew what hurt her heart and I knew what made her shine.  She taught me how to love no matter how scared I was.  She taught me what was worth fighting for and what I needed to let go.  She taught me to laugh so hard that I cried over silly silly things and she taught me to never forget that people are what is important. She taught me to see beyond a wheelchair, a cane, a trach, a backpack, tubes everywhere, a raspy hard to understand voice, and just see her passions, her joy, her intent, her fortitude and her heart which was so much bigger than all of the other stuff.

We lost our "Wonder" girl almost 20 weeks ago and life was turned upside down.  But despite all of that, I realize that a person can not come into your life and change you at your core without lasting effect. Keyan may not physically be here for us to tickle and laugh with, to ask 100 questions, or to give me one of her non-kisses but our "Wonder" lives on in us.  She lives on in how I relate with the world and she lives on within my heart.  She still brings me joy and laughter and while I would give just about anything to hold her in my arms, look into her eyes, and run my fingers thru her hair,  I am choosing to live on...to keep her alive in my memories and in our conversations and to be eternally grateful that God chose me to be her mom and us to be the perfect family for her.  The life lessons are many but our "Wonder" will keep on teaching them.

Now, go see the movie!!!