Birthdays

In the last week we have celebrated some monumental birthdays in this house and in the middle of the birthdays it was Thanksgiving.  It has been a whirlwind of a week with so much excitement but also tempered by the fact that these are the first birthdays without Keyan here with us.  To say the days have been hard would be a gross understatement.  However, with much prayer, lots and lots of tears, several sessions with our therapist, and some survival guide books, here we are.  We may not be standing tall or even standing for that matter but we have crawled to this "first" finish line and have somehow crossed it.

Today was Jamahl's day.  Jamahl was born into our family 16 years ago right on his due date.  Paul and I had faced a couple years of infertility and loss and the images of the two of us laying in bed with tears streaming down our faces over the questions of how we would become a family are never far from my mind.  Jamahl was God's answer to all those questions and boy did He bless us with an amazing first born.

Jamahl can be quiet and enjoys observing and analyzing the world around him,  At home though, he often lets his hair down so to speak and is prone to loud outbursts, even louder dance moves, and definitely takes up his share of the space around here.  He lives for rising up to the challenges put in front of him whether that be in the classroom, in the pool, or on the track field.  He is humble, and I pray he always stays that way.  He loves helping the underdog succeed and is mindful of what other people may be dealing with.  He is funny.  His love for sports and sports statistics can drive people crazy and yet he knows what he is talking about...and not just for the New England Patriots.  He is wise beyond his years.  He is a great big brother and takes being surrounded by all of his sisters in stride...but he also knows when to retreat to the basement to grab some solitude and some video game time.   We could not be prouder of who he is and who he is becoming.  He has some crazy dreams and aspirations and I can't wait to see how they all play out.  But, he can take his time because the thought of him not being in our home everyday makes me tear up every single time.

Last Tuesday the girls turned 13.  Holy cow that seems impossible!  I remember everyone teasing with us when the girls were babies about the teenage years.  People's eyes would sort of sparkle as they tipped their head back with a laugh..."All those teenage girls...oh my!" And yes, there are days when it is exactly how many people predicted.  Life can be a rollercoaster of emotions and drama but it is also rewarding to walk with the girls through this part of their journey.  Seventh grade can be hard and we are honored to support them through life's ups and downs.  The land between kid and teenager  is confusing and they all flop back and forth leaving the rest of us to catch up, but again, I am in no hurry to have that kid-ness be gone.

McKenzy has a beautiful and caring spirit.  She worries about everyone around her and wants everyone to feel loved and supported.  She misses her sister Keyan in ways that the others do not and that has led to some struggles for her.  She is living life so bravely and continues to talk and walk through the pain.  Our Kenzy has a laugh that is contagious.  It has always come right from her belly and she continues to make us laugh with her crazy personality.  She loves her Daddy more than anyone in this world and beams from the hugs and love she gets from Paul.  She loves exotic foods and is happiest when mom cooks from scratch.  She loves to put unique outfits together and always looks so cute in them.  Kenzy loves to draw and be creative.  She uses art to express herself and make others feel good. McKenzy is an "all-in" girl.  She isn't gong to do anything until she is certain that she can do to a level of aptitude that only she knows.  She is on the middle school swim team and even though she fought us tooth and nail before the season started, she has overcome fear after fear and is turning out to be a decent little swimmer!  My heart about exploded with pride the first time she dove in and raced her first event and I had tears running down my face as I watched my girl who is often so overcome with lots of hard emotions throw her hand in the air and jump up and down when the team won their first meet.  She was overjoyed!
McKenzy Faith, hang on honey....this word will make more sense eventually and I hope you always feel mom and dad right beside you supporting you through it all.  Continue to be kind and do the right thing...I promise you it will pay off.  You bring us so much joy and make us so proud to be your parents.

Abagayle has always danced through life with a song in her heart and that hasn't changed.  She wants everything to be fair and will stand up in the face of many odds to make sure it remains that way.  She loves fashion and can often be found in the craft room turning recycled goods into doll items for designing and making clothes for her American Girls dolls.  She oozes creativity in a way that if I am honest, I don't even fully understand but it just comes from inside her and it is amazing to see what she comes up with.  Abagayle swims on the swim team too.  She is all heart and not necessarily a lot of athletic ability but that never stops her from diving in and swimming whatever race her coach asks her to.  In the sea of black bathing suits and black and white caps, you just have to look for the girl who is dancing to the music or prancing across the pool deck and you have found Abby.  While she enjoys being part of a sports team, she shines brightest  in the choir room and is loving being part of the honors choir this year.  Abagayle expresses her emotions very easily and when it comes to missing Keyan she is not afraid to talk about her, cry through her hurting heart, and is often the first one to bring Keyan up in a conversation.  Abby embraced Keyan's last months with us in a way that was an exact mirror of her heart.  She was never afraid, never backed away from loving on her sister and spent hours curled right up next her her in Keyan's final days.  We all learned some things from Abby and she continues to teach us to be true to who we are and what we are feeling.  It was a privilege to watch her.
Abagayle Grace, your smile lights up the darkness time and time again.  You are a fiercely strong individual and never back down from what you think is important.  Keep that playlist going inside of you because it grants all those around you a peek into your heart and it is beautiful!  We are so proud of you!

Sidney continues to be our quiet girl unless you have her one-on-one.  She looks up to her brother and has even started watching football with him.  Sidney has grown into her own so much over the last year and is beautiful in every way.  She is a natural athlete and feels so much pride in overcoming her nerves to be able to be back in the pool swimming competitively.  She asks Jamahl to analyze her races but only half listens because she thinks she has it all under control!  Her sense of humor is starting to come out more and more. She is quick witted and her one liners keep us laughing.  She is enjoying wood shop and learning how to use all sorts of different tools.  Most dinner conversations involve the ins and outs of her current projects. Sidney loves to read and if she doesn't come when I call her, I know to look up in her bed where I will inevitably find her lost in the world between the covers of her latest book, tuning the rest of us out.  Sidney is a conscience student and strives to do well.  She grieves her sister in the same quiet manner that she approaches most other things.  You can see there is always so much going on in her head but getting her to let it out can be a challenge.  Sidney always felt Keyan's pain very physically in her own body and she is the only one that Keyan has come and visited in her dreams.  I will never forget Sidney shaking with the realness of that nocturnal visit.   She finds comfort in journaling like her mom and is often the first to snuggle up next to Paul or I and just be by us.
Sidney Ann, your quiet spirit bring so much to our family and I am so thankful for what you teach me by your stillness.  I love watching you take more risks and trying new things.  You are an amazing competitor not only in sports but in life and that will serve you well.  Keep that sparkle in your eye and soak in the world on your own terms.  Dad and I are so proud to call you ours.

And that leaves Keyan....never out of my mind and always taking space in my heart.  Keyan, you couldn't wait to turn 13.  You thought is was so funny that Dad and I were going to have 5 teenagers.  While we did not get to be with you physically on your day, I know you had one heck of a party with the angels and unicorns and am certain that you had ice cream with chunks and swam with the dolphins.  Keyan, you are joy and quirkiness, a force to be reckoned with and a personality much bigger than your little body.  You always took life in stride and were happy no matter what.  The life lessons that you taught us as your family have forever changed us at our core.  Throughout your life and even in your death, your fighting spirit never left. We always knew that you were an angel living among us and while I was not ready for you to leave, I didn't get to write that part of your story.  I miss you with a depth that is unexplainable.  It still takes my breath away on a daily basis.  And while my memories of you come along with so many emotions, they also keep you alive in my soul. Your Dad and I are incredibly proud to be your parents and thank you for every minute you gave yourself to us...always so fully and without reserve.  I hope you saw all of us standing out on your deck and heard all of us singing "Happy Birthday" to you that night...even though we messed up and sang the wrong version at first!  At least we got it right eventually.  I am sure you were up in heaven rolling your eyes, laughing, and shaking your head at your crazy family.  I hope that you heard the messages that we all left you on the lantern...Jamahl did a great job reading them out loud to you and we watched that lantern soar high into the night sky until we couldn't see it anymore.  We love you and I promise to keep your memory alive.