The Fallout of Grief and Mourning

Everyone knows that continuing on with your life after someone you love dies can be an incredibly hard and difficult road.  Everyone knows that finding your way through the journey is not an easy task.  But it was not until living through the last 51.5 weeks that I understood the depth of what happens while trying to heal.  I loving refer to some of these things as "fallout."  Some of the fallout was what I expected....trouble figuring out what to feed my family and then executing the meal, feeling awkward in social settings, relationships needing to be reworked, the unexpected tears that catch you off guard, the sleepless nights followed by days where you don't want to do anything but sleep, spending money that you shouldn't, loosing yourself in Netflix, the heightened sense of worry, my eyebrows that have gone mostly unwaxed, the gray hair that is appearing, the extra pounds that your body starts storing due to the stress and lack of motivation, the flower gardens that are now weed beds, the pool that doesn't get opened...I could go on and on.  None of these things have been all that surprising.  Grief changes you...it pulls you apart and leaves you exposed..it is no wonder that normal things go by the wayside and your body fights against the pain in it's own ways.

There were also moments over the last year that caught me totally off guard.  One of them happened just his week.  I had to take Abby to the dentist.  A year ago, my Aunt Kim and cousin Erin took the girls to the dentist because we were in the midst of Keyan's last days.  The kids haven't been back since.  I am not proud of that at all but I just could not bring myself to call the office.  You see, two of the dentists hold a pretty special place in my heart for the way they cared for Keyan.  They were always patient with her oral aversions, never "muscled through" or held her down to get her teeth clean, jumped through many hoops to get rights at the Children's Hospital so that we didn't have to travel to U of M, showed tremendous compassion to her and the rest of us, treated her with the utmost respect no matter what she was going through, and have helped our family in more ways than just teeth.  Calling the office and going in meant facing doing all of that without Keyan.  It brought up so much pain that I avoided it for a year.  I put my kids oral health in jeopardy because of the trauma that I would experience.  It wasn't a conscious choice, it was physically impossible for me to face.  It finally got to the point though that Abby's mouth was hurting due to a baby tooth that needs some help and I knew I had to face my fears.  I called Monday morning and within minutes of talking to the receptionist, I was crying...for goodness sake...this is not how I wanted this to go!!!  I took some deep breaths, and continued on saying that I had four kids who needed appointments, giving birth dates, and scheduling.  Just as luck would have it, they had a cancellation for that afternoon to get Abby in.  I was happy for her, and devastated for me.  In the end, I sat in the waiting room with tears running down my cheeks.  Missing my girl so immensely that I could not have stopped those tears if my life depended on it.  I cried most of the day reliving all she had been through with the dentist...all we had both been through and cried with gratitude for the people that cared so much for her.  It was painful and traumatic, but like the last 51.5 weeks, we made it through the pain.  I couldn't help but be struck through by the fact that a trip to the dentist could cause so much hurt.

You see, I had no idea that my mourning would be so full of trauma.  Moments where I physically can not do something.  Going into Target is traumatic every single time....and I mostly avoid doing it if at all possible.  Sometimes, looking at pictures of her is full of pain and I avert my eyes and other times that smiling face brings me so much joy.  I never really know which one it will be.  This year long journey has been one of unbearable agony often brought on by the mundane parts of life. I wouldn't have predicted it to be that way.  I have learned to expect the unexpected but that doesn't change how it all feels.  In fact, I have realized that being in the midst of those feelings, while traumatic and painful, also brings me great comfort. To be absorbed by the feelings of love and loss is perhaps where I am most comfortable being at this point.  Everything else leaves me feeling a little off balance. When I allow myself to be engulfed by the enormity of every feeling that Keyan's death brings, it knocks me off my feet but I land feeling more centered and complete.  Honoring this journey...from the despair to the exhilaration is how I best honor her our relationship.  A year ago today we knew that Keyan was going to die but I had absolutely no idea what that really meant. Today, I am figuring it out one step at a time and even though I would have never guessed this is how it would be, I am grateful to be able to keep figuring it out and to wrestle with the emotions that it brings.

 

 I walked by what used to be one of our flower beds just the other day and some color caught my eye.  I was shocked to see that some flowers had actually pushed through the weeds and were growing despite their less than ideal surroundings.  I ran and got Paul and we started looking and were both surprised to find red, orange, yellow, and purple flowers amid all of the overgrown weeds.  As we were admiring the tenacity of the plants, we were visited by this butterfly that fluttered around and settled on the plant next to us.  Our girl was saying hi, letting us now that she is still right here with us!  Tears fell as I said hello to her and sighed to myself over the beauty.  I feel just like these flowers right now.  I am determined to push through the thorns and weeds that are trying to strangle me.  I pray that I can feel the sunshine despite the darkness that creeps in and I am hopeful that in time, I can blossom and shine no matter what life holds.  Most of all, I hope that I can continue to feel Keyan close to me and that my eyes will be open to the signs she and God send me.