Nine Months

April 2, 2018.  It has been 9 months since Keyan took her last breath here on this earth.  In some moments I can not believe it has already been that long and in other ways, I feel like an entire lifetime has passed since I last saw her, heard her voice, felt my lips on her soft skin, or held her hand.  This winter has also been a winter season of my grieving.  The days have been long, dark, and dreary and then just like the actual weather, there are days where I can feel the sun and the renewing hope of spring coming.  My brain still plays tricks on me and it is often hard to actually believe and understand that our daughter is actually dead and not coming back home.  Just a few nights ago, thru my tears in the dark of night, I decided that maybe it was time to just give in to those moments of not believing.  That somehow, my brain knows when I need the break from the reality and if I just let myself give in to blocking it out for a few moments, that maybe surviving some of the other moments will be easier....I will keep you posted as to how that works out for me!

It was Easter yesterday.  Keyan always loved hunting for her eggs both inside and outside and despite not being able to eat any of the candy, she always loved seeing what the eggs had inside of them.  I could not be at home doing the same traditions as before because for me, that just screams her absence.  So, we convinced my family to get out of town and do something different.  We had our big "Easter" meal on Saturday evening with a candle lit in memory of Keyan and then spent Sunday just being together.  There were tears, stories, laughter, more tears, and lots of talking about the missing piece in our hearts.  It was comforting that all of the adults felt like "It just shouldn't be this way!" It is always good to know that I am not the only one missing her.

Both yesterday and today, right as Paul and I were talking about her and sharing the intimate pain of being parents who walk around feeling less than whole, a beautiful fluffy cardinal flew to the bushes right outside of the window.  It looked a lot like Keyan's furby that she so loved!  I know it was her telling us that she hasn't forgotten us.  She sat right in those bushes and let me walk right up to the window.  She cocked her head back and forth and looked at me while I was taking pictures with tears streaming down my face.  Paul just sat quietly shining his own inner dialogue with her.  And then later in the day, she sent a rainbow! Her sisters love when rainbows appear.  They all feel her a little closer at those moments and we all know how good that feels!

And before you all think I have totally lost my mind and gone crazy from this grief, I am fully aware that this is a male cardinal...and I called it a her.  I truly believe that Keyan sends us signs using many different things but nature is definitely one of those ways.  Whether it is cardinals, rainbows, strange behavior from our electronics, songs, or a multitude of other things, she makes sure to pop in and let us know that she is good.  It always makes my heart beat a little stronger, a little more assured, and I cant help but smile.

So, nine months into this horrific journey of loss and I am still feeling so incredibly lost without my Keyan.  My life looks so immensely different than it did with her here.  That brings some peace and some despair.  But nine months in and I can laugh without much guilt and I am living this life...this life that I would never choose, but living it the best ways I know how. Focusing on the fact that she is not suffering and is full of peace in the company of Jesus.  Holding on to the hope of being reunited with her someday.  Loving when she "visits", and continuing to allow grief to be my teacher.