Thoughts

It is the first day of school for us today.  I am so thankful that we didn't start until after Labor Day.  Our family needed every minute of this summer to prepare for this fall.  The girls are starting seventh grade and Jamahl is going into 10th.  It was the first school year where I have felt totally at ease with them walking into the buildings away from me.  I have complete confidence in the staff at both the middle school and high school.  I know that they are going to not only challenge our kids this school year but also love on them as people....and that means a lot to me.  I am never ready for summer to be over.  I enjoy lazy days with my kids at home.  I enjoy the different pace of summer. This year we crammed in driver's training, USA swim season, theater camp, basketball camp, Camp Geneva, some pool days, some shopping days, days spent with extended family, the start of Water polo season, Family Camp, and so much more on top of loosing Keyan.  It was a crazy three months...so much pain and yet laughter, joy and goodness at the same time.  I will miss the time I had to spent with my kids this summer but I am needing some space to grieve.

The kids have been so patient with me as I continue on my grief path.  But a sad mom or a mom who is crying worries them.  Even though they logically understand why I am shedding crazy amounts of tears; that doesn't help them feel better about a mom who is a little less connected, has a little less tolerance, has problems dealing with loud noises and crowds, and who is less engaging then before.  I need some time to grieve without four sets of eyes on me.  I yearn to sit in Keyan's room and just cry until the tears stop on their own instead of me trying to pull it together because the kids are coming.  I look forward to spending some time just meditating over the last 12 years and unpacking the truths of  a life that I was so intently focused on, I may have lost some of the bigger pictures.  I need to hold space for my girl in the only way I can now...to breathe in her scent, to lay on her bed beneath her weighted blanket, and commune with her memories.

As we faced the first time going to family camp without Keyan this past weekend, and as we treaded through our first back to school day without Keyan, I noticed something.  I knew all these first moments would be hard, but I want people to know that for me, today was no harder than any of the other past 60+ days.  Right now, every single day I am pushing back the cloud of grief.  Every single day I hold back the tears on moments that take my breath away and every single day I cry, often when I least expect to.  Every single day I miss Keyan with a depth that I never would have understood possible before.  Every single morning I wake up assaulted by the fact that my precious child is no longer on this earth and every single night, my brain spins trying to understand this new territory we find ourselves in.  The "first" don't hold any more power over me than any other day.

With these "firsts" though, I did feel a greater permission to grieve.  People were proud of me today when I told them that I came home and crawled back into my bed before going to therapy....usually that elicits worried glances and questions of my "alrightness." (Yes, I am making up words) People in my life were prepared for me to me a wreck today, to be a mess, to cry big ugly tears, and to not be able to hold it together...and I was all those things today and more! But on any other given Tuesday, it makes people concerned and uncomfortable if I am that way too long.  Oh, please understand that I know all of this concern and care is done solely out of love for me but please don't forget about people's grief on the good 'ole average, run of the mill Thursday....because for me, it is no less in my face.  

When I look at this morning's back to school picture of my amazingly resilient kids, I find it almost impossible to look beyond who isn't there. If I use all of my strength, I can see four other beautiful smiles, four other strong hearts, four other confused and scared souls, and four other loves of my life.  Loosing their sister has been a tough journey for them all but our family motto of "We do hard things" is being lived out every single minute of every single day and I could not be prouder, even through my ugly tears.  

Every year, I write a back to school prayer...I have started several times today but it all comes down to this...

Dear God, 

Please help us all to move beyond surviving to thriving.  Keep us safe as our sense of security has been shaken to it's core.  May my children be a blessing to those around them despite big emotions and with your help, may we keep doing hard things!