Classroom Visit

Back when Keyan was in fourth grade we started introducing her to the cognitively impaired classroom in our district.  It was at another school so she went just a couple times a week for fourth and fifth grade but she immediately enjoyed the pace of the program and appreciated being able to be successful at her school work instead of frustrated.  When she started sixth grade, the CI classroom was in the same middle school building so she entered that program more on a full time basis.  Of course her health took a toll on her and she wasn't able to be there very often but when she was, she LOVED her teachers, her friends, and the environment.  She thrived at school and would often tell me how the days went faster when she could go to school for some of it rather than stay home with me, "No offense Mom!" she would say!

Today, I visited that classroom.  I went because one of her friends did not know about her death until school started and he has been having a hard time.  I was delivering some special books just for him that he could have at home to remind him of Keyan.  I was looking forward to helping him in this small way but didn't really prepare myself for all of the emotions surrounding her classroom.  I want to share with you how my visit went.

Upon arriving in the room, the assistant teacher greeted me warmly and said that the teacher and the rest of the class would be back soon as they were just coming from science.  Right away, a boy that is in a grade lower than Keyan, but went to school with her some in elementary school recognized me and said, "You are Keyan's mom!" "Hi Isaiah!  How are you?" I asked.  Right away, he answered with. "Where is Keyan?"  I wasn't sure what the kids had been told or what words were used so I tried to avert his attention at first by asking, "How is middle school going for you Isaiah?"  "Well, it is good but, where is Keyan?" he said again.  I was SO unprepared!  I looked at the assistant teacher with wide eyes and asked her, "What am I supposed to say to that?" The poor lady, we were all sort of floundering thru all of the awkward stuff and I threw her right into it!  She kneeled in front of Isaiahs desk and said, "Remember when we talked about Keyan? Remember we have those books back there to remind us of her?"  Isaiah wasn't buying these iced over answer and I knew that it was really my job to address it as her mom.  Keyan would have just answered their questions....so  I did.  I took a deep breath and said, "Do you remember hearing that Keyan passed away this summer?  That she died this summer?"  With a huge gasp and eyes big as quarters,  Isaiah said, "That is terrible!  What happened?"  We now had the attention of the other kids in the classroom so I went on to explain that she had gotten really really sick.  Another boy Chris spoke up and said, "I knew it, I knew something bad would happen since she had that thing in her throat and her breathing was bad."  pointing to his own throat while remembering Keyan's trach.  I smiled and nodded while saying, "Yeah, she had a lot of things going on didn't she?"

Isaiah then says, "I miss Keyan! Did she get really, really sick?" and several other kids nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, we miss her too!"  I bit my lip for a quick minute and just said, "I know, I really miss her too!" my voice wavering and fighting back the tears.  "I miss her a lot."  I said.  Quickly, Chris said, "Keyan's mom...first there was Keyan's big brother." holding up one finger, he continued with his thought. "Then the four twin girls came, Keyan and her three twin sisters." Now all five fingers were waving in the air representing my five children.  "But now there are only the three twin sister and a brother, like a minus question." Chris finished.  "You are so right, Chris, Keyan leaving us is like a subtraction problem." I agreed.  "Isaiah then says, "Did you have to go to her funeral or did you get to skip it?"  I sort of chuckled under my breath and said, "Yep,  I had to go but it was ok." Little did Isaiah know that moments before walking into Keyan's funeral, our pastor pulled Paul and I aside and said, "Neither of you have ever done this before.  You have no idea how you are going to feel or how your body is going to react.  The nearest exit is directly to your right and if you need to run out at ANY point, it is absolutely ok to do so.  Honor your body and mind and do what YOU need to do!"  And trust me, I almost headed right out that exit instead of proceeding behind Keyan's casket.  I thought how brilliantly smart Isaiah was in his question.  How beautiful his unspoken words were.  What I heard was "That had to be really hard!"

The students went on to ask if Keyan's sisters were sad, how her nurse was doing and if her nurse cried a lot, talked about their friends who they knew were having a hard time, and continued to talk about how they missed her.  I am here to tell you that about the time the first boy asked me where she was, I wanted to run out of the classroom.  I wanted to run and hide from having to deal with the hard questions.  I even told the teacher I would probably just leave.  But I am so grateful that I did not turn away.  I am so thankful for the time I spent in that classroom today.  Being surrounded by Keyan's peers felt safe.  Sitting in a desk that she might have used was almost a sacred space for me.  I ran my fingers over the desk top thinking how she may have set up for iPad or computer in that very space.  I couldn't let my self immerse in those emotions because class was going on around me, but I could rub up against those feelings at the same time I answered life skills questions, sharpened pencils, and helped the kids with their assignments. It was good and I am so glad that I didn't run away from it all.  I would have missed out on those precious moments with Keyan's friends, missed out on the hugs from the teachers, and missed out on the little glimmer of hope that I was able to carry with me.  Our family motto has become "We can do hard things" and I had to live that today but I am so glad I chose to step into the deep waters even for a few minutes.  It felt good!

**All names have been changed for privacy reasons