Finding the good

I put grown up clothes and a necklace on today and even blow dried my hair.  If you saw me at "get your school schedule" night, you may have seen me smiling and engaging with my girls.  You may have seen us running around the building finding classrooms and I even had the where-with-all to make eye contact, ask questions when necessary, and even remembered to order a yearbook for the first time in several years!  You may have noticed my sad eyes or caught glimpses of the purposeful deep breaths as I willed the tears to stay away.  I was trying so hard to be the mom that my girls needed me to be tonight...one who was truly present.  They are nervous and excited about starting seventh grade and they needed me to "be ok" for that hour.

What you didn't see was the sobbing that took place this afternoon before going.  If my shower could talk, it would tell you that I spent a good deal of time this morning on the floor heaving through the tears that mixed with the shower water.  I had no desire what so ever to walk into that school without Keyan tonight. The last time I was there was when we went to pick up her wheelchair just a few weeks before she passed away.  Memories of her last day of school were haunting me....the pain, the misery, the gagging, and yet the strong spirit inside my girl who has happy to have gotten to try to go.  It was so much!  It was just another event in a series of many that stabs at my heart because she should be there.  The tears have continued to fall through the rest of the evening.  I don't try to stop them for now.  I miss Keyan with every fiber in my being and sometimes I can not be anything else than a sad mess.

But through the hard, there was good.  Paul, was right there by my side.  A dear friend brought dinner over before the event.  The truth is we still received several meals this week!  I received messages today from friends who were thinking of us as we took those first steps back into school. I had 50 minutes with my therapist this afternoon where I could let it all out.  I had a friend who called to say she was crying with us.  I had a friend who gave me a hug at the school and just said, "I know."  Even the mom who asked me if we had a good summer because she had no idea Keyan had died, came and found us later in the hallways after learning our ugly truth and said she was so sorry for our loss and gave us both hugs.  She didn't have to do that...she could have just avoided us, but she didn't, even though it was hard.  Our girls were happy and resilient and have each other to lean on.  There is so much good in all of that.  

The age old saying that life goes on is SO true.  I wish it didn't, and in fact for me, my life has sort of stopped.  Nothing seems right about life without Keyan and everything seems off kilter or upside down.  But our village has not forgotten us.  Despite their lives going on, they are still carrying us through this trench and showing us so much love and grace not just today but every day.  They are proud of me when I can pull myself together for a few minutes and they are alright when I can't.  We are so blessed to have family and friends who let us be sad and love us anyways.  Like so much about our lives, today was a day that held so much pain and heartache but also held some pretty beautiful moments.  Those moments may not always be easy to see through the fog of my grief but they are there and for that I am so thankful.

I will end with a picture of the three girls from yesterday after getting their hair cut.  Another hard moment that we made it through together.  We missed Keyan's hair cutting antics...but we talked about her, we laughed, and we got a little teary.  Abagayle, McKenzy, and Sidney are blossoming despite their parents being a little emotionally MIA.  They never cease to amaze me in their strength, humor, inner beauty, and the love they have for each other, for Keyan, and for the rest of us too!