Contradictions

In the still of the early morning hours, my head swims and my heart flows with love.  The house is quiet except for Keyan's machines and the occasional patter of feet getting up to use the bathroom.  The nurse answers my question about the few hours I have slept and then joins me in my quiet watch over our girl.  

Just over 24 hours ago we sat with the other kids and pushed them a little closer to the realities of what is going on.  We have promised disclosure to them as we know things and in order to keep themselves from being constantly churned up they have to trust that we will continue to do just that.  We had dear friends who had come to hep out, never anticipating what they may be in for on this given night.  They sat with Keyan while we answered tough questions, sobbed with our kids, and reiterated that there are still answers we don't have.  Having to turn them towards facing the loss of a sister is a torturous thing for a parent.  There is much of you that begs you to let them stay in that somewhat sweet state of denial but if we have learned nothing over these years, it is to face the hard things...to walk through them, and make them a part of our story.

Some immediately broke down with lots of tears, others never shed a single one.  Some had a lot of questions, while some barely uttered a word.  Some curled up into little balls, and yet others laid spread out on the floor.  Some have needed to be very physically close to their sister, others have retreated to anywhere but there, and still others chose to keep up their routines and fill their in between times with her.  Some very quickly moved to the "what ifs" while others let themselves be wrapped up in memories of the "has beens."  Some see it very black and white with straight lines and for others it is big mess of colors oozing together.

You see, that is the beauty in how we were created.   We all filter things differently, we all respond differently, we all feel so individually.  This is so evident on this journey.  I have known it logically...ever person deals with grief in their own way and yet to see it play out in my every day interactions is marvelous....and hard at the same time.  There has to be so much grace for the questions, the "too cool" attitudes, the quietness, the closeness, the retreating, the nervousness, the tensions and the the laughs.  It is all just a part of this journey.  One we have been on for years and yet it catches us so off guard.  It is beautiful and ugly all in the same breath.  And yet no matter how differently we all may respond, it is our love for the most brave, happy, courageous, and loving little girl that brings us all back to each other.