A bucket list outing

As most of you are aware, yesterday was a hard day for Keyan and therefore our family too. Keyan slept for much of the day but during many of the snippets of time that she was awake, she asked about going to the "Build a Bear" store. A few weeks back, Keyan had received a gift card in the mail from her third grade teacher and we waiting for a good day to take her to do it....little did we know!

I tried to think of everything I could to make this work for her without her actually going to the store. I suggested we buy something online l, I suggested her sisters go and do it and they would be live on FaceTime and she could make all of the decisions.  Today, she would have nothing to do with those ideas. She said, "How about I try?"  What were we going to say to that?  Paul and I knew that we would regret never taking her if we didn't go and our Hospice doctor told us to go. We had a plan A, plan B, and several other contingency plans. I feared we were completely crazy but then who was I to say it wasn't worth the cost to her body. We decided that we would head out after the doctor visited this morning. 

I called ahead and let the manager know that we would be coming and the reason behind our visit.  She was very welcoming and said she would help us have a great experience.  I thought it only proper to give her the heads up that a family of seven would be coming in and the mom may be a real mess! The doctor gave us his blessing on our outing and actually encouraged us to let her guide us. Jamahl helped her with her shoes and sweatshirt and away we went.

We made it safely to the mall and we all worked together to get her out of the car and into her wheelchair.  We went directly to Build a Bear and started picking out our animals.  Keyan looked them all over several times and finally settled on a dog and the other girls each picked theirs and we headed to pick our sounds.

The manager found us at this point and helped us through the rest of our experience.  I wanted to record Keyan's voice for the other girls but it was loud in the store.  So the manager took us into the back room and took the time to record messages to us all.  "I love you McKenzy, I love you Abby, I love you Sidney, I love you Jamahl, and I love you Mommy and Daddy."  In her precious, breathy, quiet voice that we all know so well.  After recording, we went out to insert the recordings and stuff the animals.  Paul thought we should put our message in a bear too and the girls helped him pick one out.  Jamahl was still insistent that he didn't want a bear.  When I badgered him a little bit and bribed him with a U of M shirt for his bear, he finally said, "I have plan for my recording.  I am going to take it home where it is quiet and record it on my phone so I don't loose it."  I loved him for being vulnerable enough to be real with us all.

Next came the time to put the hearts in the animals.  The manager Mandy asked us all to grab a heart.  She asked to do all sorts of stuff with our little red hearts and lastly asked us to close our eyes and make a wish for Keyan.  We gave all of our hearts a big kiss and then all 7 of our hearts, went not Keyan's dog.  It was an incredible moment....and my heart broke and soared at the same time.  

We dried our tears, sewed the animals up, gave them a bath, where Keyan enjoyed brushing her dog for quite awhile.  Lastly, she picked out a pair of pajamas and dog bowl for her dog and decided to name her "Ginger."

It was such a special time for us as a family.  We made incredible memories and tucked that time into our heart where it can help us with our healing.  We all smiled, we watched Keyan dictate how her day was going to be and it was a success.  Was it a risk?  It certainly was but it was the right risk to take today because I refuse to have regrets...we are all in with making her days the absolute best, no matter what.

 I will ask for prayers tonight for Jamahl, Sidney, McKenzy, and Abagayle.  They all really enjoyed their time today but it also is confusing.  They had a chance today to talk with our Hospice doctor and while they didn't have a ton of questions, they felt better after hearing him describe what was happening in Keyan's body.  At the end of the day today though, Paul and I found all four of them in the girls room and the questions came pouring out.  The descriptions of what they are feeling was humbling.  They use words like ominous, looming, scared, sad, anxious.  They express their relief that school isn't in session right now.  They talk through all the scenarios that are running through their heads all day long....the what ifs, and the hows.  It takes so much bravery for them to keep showing up in in Keyan's room day after day when I know they just want to hide in the back of the house.  And yet, as hard as that talk was, they one by one trickled in to tell Keyan goodnight and they stood hugging each other and talking for much more time that they have up until now.  The questions will keep coming and their brains will let more and more of it in.  It is all uncharted territory but we are forging it together.