January 2, 2020 marks the 30 month point. It has been 2 and a half years since we held Keyan's hand as she arrived to her eternal home. I have survived the latest round of holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years....they come fast and furious one right after the other and the mourning that they bring with them is monumental at times. Lots of tears, lots of remembering, and lots of struggling through family times that never feel settled into without her here. New Years eve I was running some last minute errands and heard this song. It is title "Why God" and the song sums up a lot of how I currently feel. "Why God, did you have to call her home so soon?" "Why God, did you chose us to walk this path of loss?" "Why God, could we not have had her for longer?" "Why God, does my heart feel as though it has shattered into tiny pieces that will never fit together again and be whole?" "Why God, did you put my other kids through this?" "Why US God?" "Why God, do I have to watch the man I love and the children I birthed struggle with the messiness of mourning?" Why God, do you test our marriage with this trial?" "Why God, Why take her from me?" The song is a simple one, with such a big message! I am questioning and wrestling with the "Whys" but I am thankful for the strength to keep moving through.
What I wouldn't give to be up all night long taking care of her. Two and a half years into this journey and I long with all that I am to hold her, stroke her hand, braid her hair, help her to the bathroom, listen to her laugh at her brother, watch her play with her sisters, capture her looking with love and awe at her Daddy, or snuggle in bed with her and just soak her in. That isn't how our story was written though, so until the day that I embrace her in heaven, I will keep trudging on waiting for her rainbows and asking God the hard questions.
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