The weather here in Michigan on this Halloween day is dark, dreary, rainy, cold, sleeting, snowing and just plan gross...which actually matches my mood quite well. Halloween is a rough day for me because Keyan always loved celebrating anything, especially holidays. She would talk with her siblings for months about what everyone was going to dress up as and the excitement built as the day neared.
The weather today also makes things a little harder today because weather like this is exactly why we always had a party at our house. Keyan could not be outside in wether like this so we always brought the fun inside. We played games, ate spooky food, and even trick-or-treated throughout our house. Everyone dressed up and enjoyed the festivities. Sometimes it was just family and other years friends joined us too. Occasionally, the weather would cooperate and we would go to a few neighborhood houses. Long before the days of teal and blue pumpkins, our neighbors would have a special bag set aside for Keyan since she couldn't eat the treats. And oh the fun she always had selling the candy she did get to her Poppie and nurses. She was a tough sell and always charged more for the snickers and Reese's peanut butter cups because she knew those were the buyers favorites! She would sit right in the middle of the living room with all the other kids oohing and ahhhing over what she had received in her bucket. Her eyes would light up counting all of her loot from the night.
As I sit in her room and think about what today would look like if she were still physically with us, I wonder if we would still have our party. I wonder if the other kids sports practices and homework would win out and we would just buy some extra treats and call it a night? I think that she and Abby would have come up with some crazy costume for her...Abby was always to the rescue when mom hadn't really done a great job of preparing! I wonder if this would have ben the year that I could have convinced them to do a group costume? I wonder if Keyan would have wanted to dress up as something that would have made dealing with her tubes and backpack all the more difficult. We certainly dealt with getting creative over the years in dealing with equipment! There has been very little talk of costumes this year which brings about both relief and sadness. Would Keyan have helped make the spooky treats for the party or just laid in her bed playing games on her iPad?
I hate not knowing. I hate the wonder and the questioning that it brings. I hate that she isn't here....have I said that enough? I HATE THAT SHE ISN'T PHYSICALLY HERE! This is our third Halloween without Keyan in the mix. I got to have lunch with a special friend who is walking this grief journey as well, I went to therapy, I bought a bunch of candy for our kids, I will coach a short practice, and then I will tuck myself into home and give myself permission to feel all that this day brings. I will hold space for the moments when I wish this wasn't my reality.
I have so many many moments that I long to hug her, to hold her, to hear her laugh, to touch her soft hands and to make all sorts of accommodations for her. My tears and messy emotions are all part of healing the wounds that my heart will forever carry. Here is the beautiful thing though....because this is our third Halloween since Keyan died I know I will make it to tomorrow. I know that feeling the pain of today will actually make tomorrow better and that this day is really not much different than any other. Yes, the sting of missing her may be a tad sharper today because of the holiday but I fight my tears, and all of those wanting to scream moments every single day and yet I am living. I am building a life that she is smack dab in the middle of and I am proud to be at this point in the journey.
This was one of the years that it was nice enough to be outside for a little bit! She loved being warm in that bright orange pumpkin costume!
And this was the picture that turned my tears to laughs this afternoon....oh the chaos of four babies at once!!! Living proof that it was a disaster much of the time but I am so thankful it was ours!!!
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