Tears

Tears are abundant at our house lately.  I am sure that it is to be expected, however, I don’t particularly like it….neither does Paul.  He has a hard time with tears.  We took all of our kids except for Keyan to get hot chocolate tonight and to talk to them about what we found out about Keyan.  It was tough.  Paul and I practiced what we wanted to say but nothing prepares you for the moment that you tell your children that their sister may die.  We needed to use that word and boy was it hard to get out of my mouth.  I wanted to step all around the word “die”, but in all fairness, knew that was the word and concept they would be most “comfortable” with.  My stomach was churning all day with the anticipation of what was to come.

Abagayle broke out in hysterical tears, McKenzy laughed nervously and tried to crack jokes and change the subject.  Jamahl and Sidney sat and stared off.  They all had a few questions but it was mostly Paul and I doing the talking.  We told them we wanted them to always be able to ask us anything and that we would help them all through whatever may happen.  It was terrible, it was hard, and yet, it felt good because it was the right thing to do.

Jamahl came home and snuggled right up to Keyan for quite awhile.  Sidney cried herself to sleep as I rubbed her hair and told her that it was alright to cry….and as I cried right along with her.  Abagayle is whimpering in her sleep.  My precious children just had a little bit of their innocence stolen away from them tonight and I hate it!  The responsibility weighs heavy on Paul and I as we navigate this with our children, especially because we are aching ourselves. 

Many of you have asked if Keyan understands.  We will not lie to her, we will not give her false information or hope, but Keyan is not developmentally ready to be told she may die because her stomach and intestines don’t work.  Keyan will not be able to fully understand that and it will only cause fear.  We talk about heaven a lot with her because she sometimes is very fixated on what heaven is all about but for now, that is the extent of it.  She has lived this way her entire life.  She is often in pain, often sick, and knows nothing other than tubes, hospitals, nurses, and loving life.  We will not burden her with the weight of this most recent news until she shows us she is ready.

I ask of you all that you please be patient with me and my family.  We are discouraged, we are teary, we are angry, and we are doing the very best we can to figure this all out. It is not easy. Please love on my kids. They are confused and hurting, and yet doing their best to get through their day. They are brave and yet so frightened.  Thanks for your kind words and thoughts, they seem to come at some of our lowest times.