Loneliness

As I sit here after a busy Monday, I find that I can not stop thinking about this weekend.  I have tossed these thoughts around in my head since Friday night and finally decided to put my thoughts down on “paper”.  Friday night we were invited by Team Craig to join them at “The Piper” restaurant for dinner and than to hang out at the pool or go out on their boat.  They were in town to ride the Holland 100 as a warm up to the Wish-a-Mile 300 mile bike tour this coming weekend.  Team Craig consists of mostly “George’s”…members of the George family, a family that rides in honor of their son/brother whom they lost to a degenerative disease just a few years ago. We met this family a year ago at WAM, and have kept in touch with them ever since.  We had an instant connection that has spanned the distance between us, and our family looked forward to the party all week.  At the time I thought that we were so excited because we actually had plans on a Friday night….most Fridays are pizza nights at our house, with very few other plans.

We arrived at the restaurant to be greeted warmly by all of the George family as well as another family that the Georges invited.  Royer, Heather, Tyler, and Ryan make up that other special family and it was a privilege to get to know them and share experiences with another family who struggles with some of the same stuff we do.  After appetizers, salads, dinners, desserts, and LOTS of conversation, most of the adults went out on the boat and a few of the adults took all of the kids to the pool.  Lake Michigan was rough, but we had such a great time bonding over the waves.  Meanwhile, poor Debbie had to slip the pool guy some extra cash to keep the pool open for 11 very ready-to-swim children!  The night wound down with a few last minute snippets of sharing, lots of hugs and thank yous, and a few tears..both from the kids who were terrified of the mosquitoes in the car, and from myself, who at the time just felt like crying and couldn’t really put a finger on why.

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We got home so late and were all exhausted from the fun night…but I could not sleep.  My mind was busy and my heart was heavy.  I spent much of the night pondering my emotions and wrestling with the emotion that was staring my in the face…LONELINESS.  Why did spending an evening with friends leave me feeling so alone?  As I began to dig deeper into my soul, I realized a few things.  As a family, we don’t have many friends..is that because we have so many kids?  Is it because we have quadruplets, and for many years were in survival mode?  Is it because for much of the girls lives we have had to be so concerned about germs that we have been in a forced isolation?  Is it because we have a child who is medically complex and that scares a lot of people?  Or is totally something else? I used to think it was the quadruplet thing…who wants all those kids coming over to their house?  We certainly don’t get invited a whole lot of places!  Now, I think it is probably a combination of all of these things. The truth of the matter is that we even miss most family get togethers whether it is because Keyan can not travel overnight anywhere or she is sick, it just doesn’t work out.  I have made “internet friends…from message boards about trachs or multiple births.  And facebook has kept me more up to date on my friends from before the girls, but it is not the same.  You can live with those facts, tricking yourself into thinking everything is alright until it all comes tumbling at you after a night like we had.  A normal Friday night for most families..but one that for us was very unique.  These people embraced us with no questions asked.  They have suffered down some of the same paths we are on.  They are not put off by Keyan’s wheelchair, machines, quiet voice, or my constant ever present worrying watch over her.  There are few people in my life that could take Keyan to the hot tub and give me an hour to laugh with other women and catch my husbands eye knowing that he was feeling the same thing.  There was always someone offering to carry the suction bag, or the three other bags of swimming supplies.  My friends helped the girls change, played with Jamahl, gave out hugs to my kids, and allowed us to morph into their family for the evening instead of watching Paul and I scrambling around trying to keep up with the demands of our children.

Maybe it is because we aren’t connected with a church. Maybe it is because we have become a little bit socially awkward.  Maybe it is because Keyan and I spend more time away from home than here, or maybe it is because we have had to say “no” so many times, that people forget to ask anymore.  Maybe it is as simple as people just don’t know what to do with us. Likely, I will never know the answers to any of these questions, and that really is alright.  I got a chance to vent about it to Paul, and talked a little bit about it to my Dad, and after writing here, I will hopeful be done with it.  It is a strange feeling, to be surrounded by people all day long…my kids, therapists, doctors, delivery people, home nurses, you name it, but to realize the deep sense of loneliness.  Why does it work with the George Family?  They have lived it.  It is as simple as that.  And not only have they lived it but they have chosen to reach out to those of us at a different place in this crazy journey and give us a little piece of normalcy.  There is a lot of stress that comes along with having a child like Keyan, but for one night, it sure felt good to be just another family enjoying the company of some very special friends.