Easter Sunday 2020

It is Easter Sunday today in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic.  We spent the day as a family together, like all of these pandemic days.  We missed our extended families terribly.  Paul, the dog and I went on a walk first thing this morning.  After retiring home we made parfaits that turned out very yummy!  I couldn't settle my soul so then as a family we went for a second walk down by the beach.  I was afraid it would be too busy to stay but it was actually fairly quiet and easy to observe proper social distancing.  We were all shocked at how high the water and sand are.  It is quite shocking to see.  I gave the kids the little bit of easter candy I had bought and we had a very yummy meal bought locally and all we had to do was warm it up.  I enjoyed the break from the kitchen.  We had some nice outdoor basketball time and then zoomed with Paul's family and mine..... which is always good for some laughs.

I want to let you in on a little secret.  Just yesterday, I was feeling pretty darn good about it being Easter and not too worried about how the day would play out missing Keyan.  Since Keyan died, I have said at every holiday, that it would be easier if we could just pretend that the holiday wasn't happening.  I have fantasized about a holiday where Paul and I could ignore the fact that it was happening and we could just live the day like it was a regular day.  And that was basically my plan for today.  Obviously as Christians we would celebrate the reason for the day and I had a little bit of candy for the kids, but the kids pretty much assumed that there would be no huge celebration, no egg hunt, no baskets, no fancy clothes, etc. Just a special meal and celebrating the hope that we have of eternal life thanks to Jesus rising from the dead.  SO yesterday, I told Paul that this was going to be perfect because it shouldn't trigger all of the grief that holidays normally bring and we could just have a good day together with the kids.

Boy was I wrong.  All of the holidays we have been through so far, I have fought this voice of "if only we could ignore this day" and I learned today that it isn't possible.  I woke up feeling frustrated but not being able to put words to it.  I thought a walk would help settle me, but instead it led to a fight with Paul.  Both of us feeling the pain of missing Keyan but not knowing what to do with it.  After eating some breakfast, the only thing I knew was to walk again so I drug everyone out to the beach to find the missing piece that my heart was screaming for....the beach helped a little but it didn't solve it.

Alone time and personal space is a high commodity around here during the pandemic so after putting the food in the oven, I decided to take a shower.  I turned my "grief" playlist on, (yes, that is a thing that mom's whose kids have died have) and I turned the water on as hot as I could stand it.  I was searching for something to cause me pain other than my heartache.  Before I knew it, I was grabbing handfuls of my hair and pulling it hard over and over again while my tears were washed off my face by the scalding water.  The pain of not having my Keyan physically with me was so intense.  The thought of all the easter hunts that she loved, the pain of every damn minute of this pandemic family time without her, and even the thought that she is singing with angels in the majestic awe of heaven just made me crumble.

I stood crying and searching for an outlet for a long long time. And then I fell to the floor of the bathtub and pushed my body hard against the surface of the tub....the very tub that she spent hours and hours in until her organ failure took that joy from her.  I envisioned my pores opening up and soaking her essence in.  Two years and nine months since she went home and I couldn't find my way.   I needed to just let it out.  Before I was ready, dinner was done and I knew I needed to pull myself together for the sake of my family who IS here on this earth with me.  I got dressed through tears, held onto Paul through tears, and prayed for our meal through those same tears.

This my friends is mourning.  This is how the holidays feel for me every single time.  Painful, lonely, heartbroken, traumatic, and hard.  There is no rainbow ending to the day....just trying to breath through it until it is over.  Tomorrow will feel better...today I will just survive.

Keyan, what I wouldn't give to have dad hide 100 eggs so that you could go find them.  What I wouldn't give to find the right books, movies, and toys instead of candy for you.  What I wouldn't give to hear your laugh and watch you declare yourself the winner fo the egg hunt.  What I wouldn't give to hear you yell "mommy" from the potty.  I asked God to give you an extra special hug from us here and I know you are having an absolutely amazing day celebrating in heaven.  I love you and miss you more than I can express.