Today is July 1. I am sitting out on Keyan's deck taking some time to just be. The pool is circulating, our resident bluebird pair is busily flying in and out of their box talking quite loudly to one another. There is some construction noise coming from the neighbor's project. The furniture is still damp from the morning dew. The sun is trying to peek through the clouds and there is a gently breeze causing the wind chimes to just lightly sing. I sense all that is around me, I hear it, feel it, and see it, and yet it is all in the background of what my brain demands of me.
Tomorrow marks the two year date of Keyan's death. July 2 looms in the shadows starting somewhere in late April or early May and starts coming towards the forefront early June. By mid June this year, the thoughts revolving around July 2 were screaming at me much as they are this morning. I sat with those screams for a long while before I could put words to what was going on. Our family was gifted an incredibly beautiful and yet heart wrenching last two weeks with our girl. For those last two weeks, we spoke truth about what was happening, we set intentions to understanding that there were going to be no do-overs, we held vigil for hours and hours on end, we were surrounded my our most intimate group of family and friends, we swam, we made ice cream, we played basketball, we went to sports practices, we laughed, we cried, we screamed, we sat silently in disbelief. We made sure to leave nothing unsaid, we honored Keyan's need for low stimulus and yet gathered around her the moment she was ready for any company. We read to her, we helped her to the bathroom, we suctioned her, we sang to her, we held her hand and comforted her, we prayed that God would take her into His arms and bring her Home.
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| Look at the smiles all around! We were soaking her in and cementing her into our hearts. It was amazing! |
It wasn't just about July 2. It was all the days, months and years leading up to that moment on that Sunday evening when she just didn't take another breath. My brain has spent the last weeks replaying all of these moments in the hope of making sense of them. I am trying to make peace with watching one of my own, whom I fought for with every fiber of my soul, leave this earthly life. The past several weeks have been full of fatigue, tenseness, sensitivity, confusion, not much motivation, and an unsettledness to my very being. But why wouldn't it be that way? We love Keyan will all of our selves so why wouldn't every part of us hurt in some way. Just a couple days ago it finally clicked for me. It isn't that July 2 was the only day. It is all of the small moments beforehand too. It is the excruciating decisions, the memories, the lifetime of smiles, the joy that she brought and the fullness that she added. It is no wonder life feels messy in June. It is the price we pay for the gift of those two weeks and really the gift of her life.
Tomorrow, July 2, will come and go. We will forever miss her and forever be grateful for those painful two weeks and the too short 12.5 years. We are honoring her life with ice cream tomorrow. It was the last thing that she tasted here with us...homemade mint chocolate chip. I am sure the day will be messy...lots of emotions, lots of tears, and lots of laughs too because that is how Keyan lived her life...accepting of it all no matter what.
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