Thoughts

I haven't blogged in forever and know that many of you were left hanging about our construction project.  I will do my best to get an update out here on that amazing transformation but I need to get something off of my heart and I think this is a better place to do it than Facebook.  Once again, keep in mind this is my person blog...my feelings, my beliefs, my struggles, my place to vent.

Our girls are at camp this week.  I dropped McKenzy, Sidney, and Abby off Monday morning and we will pick them up Saturday morning.  They were literally bouncing in line as we were waiting to check them in.  Keyan goes right with the other girls but we pick her up in the evenings and drop her back off in the mornings.  She LOVES going to camp.  This camp is only a mile from our house and is the same one that we go to for family camp over Labor Day weekend.  It has been an absolute God send for us and always bring such joy to our home. 

Tonight at camp, there is a consecration service.  I don't know all of the details, but it is a worship service that invites the kids to accept Jesus as their personal savior.  Due to Keyan's schedule and the schedule at camp, we will pick Keyan up before this service. We also know that "accepting Jesus into your heart" is a very abstract concept and Keyan cognitively struggles with anything that isn't absolute.  Not only does she not understand it, but it is very confusing and frustrating for her.  So, for lots of reasons, one being to protect her mind from fixating on something she can't understand, we will pick her up before that service even happens tonight.

But....that got me thinking.  I was raised with the belief that the only way to get to heaven was to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior.  I have done a lot of soul searching into the religious beliefs that I was raised in and have done a fairly good job of making my faith a very personal one and one that means so much to me...but is indeed my own, not exactly what I regurgitate in Sunday School class and youth group.  I know I have some of you on bended knee right now praying for my soul, but I promise you that my soul is just fine and my relationship with God is one that no one needs to worry about.  That being said, it is easy to fall into the "fear mentality" that I was brought up in.  So, as I was making plans to go pick up Keyan, I had this terrible fear pass through my body about Keyan and her "salvation."   

Right out of college, when we were first married, I taught at a small private school.  I had a colleague that believed that if a child died before they actually asked Jesus into their hearts, that child would spend eternity in hell. I was shocked.  At that point in my life, I had never come across someone who not only believed that but used scripture to back it up.  I was astounded and spent a lot of time discussing that belief with people whom I respected and wrestled with my complete lack of understanding how someone could not only believe this, but teach it as well.  But, there have been a couple of times where that thought has trampled over my heart like it did tonight.  One time being when Paul and I miscarried our first baby, and the second time when Keyan was very very sick.  Isn't it crazy that one statement by a person whom wasn't even influential at all in my life can in a heartbeat make me catch my breath?  Even after all these years, the risk of the "what if he was right" haunts me. I won't go into the philosophical reasons why I believe he was wrong here, but let me say again, I absolutely DO NOT believe that the loving God I know works like this.

Tonight, I stood in the shower and cried over that thought because this is what I know to be true.  Keyan is a child of God and she is only on loan to us.  The God I believe in, the God that created our special girl, would never turn his back on her because she can not understand a man made concept.  I refuse to carry guilt and fear because God has her in His hands.  Our little girl is an angel that God uses every day to change lives.  The joy she brings is contagious and God does not make mistakes.  I would love to give that guy a piece of my mind and I pray that he hasn't had to experience the fear of loosing your child.  But more importantly, as I look back and deal with that situation it is a reminder to me to be thoughtful before I speak.  You never know what might be powerful to another person.  Please, share your faith, share your beliefs, and share the love of God that you experience, but please do not do it in a judgmental way.