It was just over a year ago that we went on Keyan's Make-A-Wish trip to Disney World. To commemorate the trip, I am finally going to post about the last day! This was a journal that was VERY hard for me to write. It was an intensely emotional experience that I needed to sort out for myself before I shared it. Well, a year later, I guess I am ready to open up my heart and soul....here it goes!
Have you even been awaking from a wonderful dream, realized it was going to come to an end, and you find yourself desperately trying to stay asleep? As sleep leaves you, you find yourself almost depressed that you can’t get back to that amazing dreamland? If you can relate to that feeling, you know how at a loss I felt during the last day of our trip. Falling asleep the night before was almost torturous, because I knew that we would have to go home. I was determined to not let my gloominess get in the way of enjoying our day, but it was so hard.
We started our day with breakfast at the Gingerbread House. I think that I cried all night long in my sleep and the tears just continued to flow the entire day. It was so hard to think about going back to reality. While I was standing in line trying to order my breakfast, I broke down. I am sure that the volunteer thought that I was crazy crying over the sausage and pancakes, but they never said a word. Every one of them just smiled and nodded probably knowing that my heart was breaking. They gave me the space I needed to grieve the ending of a magical experience and that was so respectful of them. Even my own kids seemed to understand my need to cry and never questioned what was wrong with me. Had someone asked, I would not have been able to put into words the emotions that were running through me. I hated to go back to all of the appointments, the struggles for Keyan, the fights with the insurance companies, the time spent in the hospital, the limitations on what we can do, the feeling of being torn in two as they start yet another IV on our precious girl. I wanted to stay in this safe zone, this altered world where we were normal… This place where we could enjoy time together as a family without all of the painful interruptions. I literally wanted to scream at the thought of returning to our life that can be so imprisoning sometimes. It was so hard to know that no money in the world, no amount of good deeds, no nothing, could give us a repeat of this vacation. It truly is a “Once in a Lifetime Experience”.
We had until around noon that day before we had to leave for the airport. We had been so busy throughout the week that we had really been unable to take in all that “Give Kids the World” was all about. So, after getting everything packed back up, we headed out to explore the grounds. We played arcade games that took no money, drove remote control boats, rode the train, saw the toy train village that had so many functions we didn’t have time to check them all out, and we even attempted to play miniature golf. We decided however, that unless we wanted to take a child home with a concussion, it was best that Daddy and Jamahl finish the golf game by themselves! We walked by the sleeping tree one last time in attempt to wake him up and that brought us to the “Castle of Miracles”.
The “Castle of Miracles” is a very enchanting place that is truly magical. All of the kids got to make pillows in a special pillow machine, we rode the carousel a few last times, and the most important thing was that Keyan got to put her star up. Inside the castle, the ceiling is covered with shiny golden stars. Each child who comes to the village for a wish gets a star with their name on it put up on the ceiling. The star is left in your villa and you take it to the castle to have the Star Fairy hang it up. Keyan went thru the magical process of writing her name on the star, placing the star in the fairy’s treasure box, making a wish, and then when she opened the box, the star had been taken by the fairy. It was really neat. We have the exact coordinates of where Keyan’s star is placed. It is a very humbling experience to stand under hundreds of thousand gold stars realizing that each one represents a child who has had a dream come true. You know that some of those children are no longer here on this earth but instead, looking down through the stars helping our strong but sick children who are still with us. As you can imagine, I stood in awe, with tears streaming down my face. It was as moving as the most spiritual moment in my life. God was in those stars…even my dear Keyan’s star. It was such an affirmation of God’s promise to never leave or forsake us. Keyan has been thru so much and so has our family, but we have been guided and strengthened by our faith. I will never again look up at a sky full of stars without getting a pull at my heart.
The rest of the day was just going through the paces of getting back home. The plane rides went great. The girls caught up on some much needed sleep, Jamahl caught up on his homework, Paul caught a few winks of sleep as well, and as for me, I just cried. It was a healing cry way up there in the sky. I used the time to gather my strength and emotional well being so that I could be the Mom that these five special kids need me to be. The kind of mom that fights their battles and stands up for the wrongs done to them. The kind of mom that challenges them to perservere through the rough patches in life. I need to be a mom who laughs with them, plays with them, and loves them no matter what. That is what this trip did for me. It showed me some of the deep dark corners of my heart. The corners that show how much I dislike being a parent to a child with special needs. It made me take a hard look at the real me. It made me realize the endless amount of pride that I have in my family and thank God for choosing me to be their mom. I will never be the same. My spirit is softer and gentler. I have learned to value that quiet voice inside of me that urges me to keep going. The Make-a-Wish organization did more than grant Keyan a wish. They challenged our family to embrace life and be better for it. They truly changed my world.
Have you even been awaking from a wonderful dream, realized it was going to come to an end, and you find yourself desperately trying to stay asleep? As sleep leaves you, you find yourself almost depressed that you can’t get back to that amazing dreamland? If you can relate to that feeling, you know how at a loss I felt during the last day of our trip. Falling asleep the night before was almost torturous, because I knew that we would have to go home. I was determined to not let my gloominess get in the way of enjoying our day, but it was so hard.
We started our day with breakfast at the Gingerbread House. I think that I cried all night long in my sleep and the tears just continued to flow the entire day. It was so hard to think about going back to reality. While I was standing in line trying to order my breakfast, I broke down. I am sure that the volunteer thought that I was crazy crying over the sausage and pancakes, but they never said a word. Every one of them just smiled and nodded probably knowing that my heart was breaking. They gave me the space I needed to grieve the ending of a magical experience and that was so respectful of them. Even my own kids seemed to understand my need to cry and never questioned what was wrong with me. Had someone asked, I would not have been able to put into words the emotions that were running through me. I hated to go back to all of the appointments, the struggles for Keyan, the fights with the insurance companies, the time spent in the hospital, the limitations on what we can do, the feeling of being torn in two as they start yet another IV on our precious girl. I wanted to stay in this safe zone, this altered world where we were normal… This place where we could enjoy time together as a family without all of the painful interruptions. I literally wanted to scream at the thought of returning to our life that can be so imprisoning sometimes. It was so hard to know that no money in the world, no amount of good deeds, no nothing, could give us a repeat of this vacation. It truly is a “Once in a Lifetime Experience”.
We had until around noon that day before we had to leave for the airport. We had been so busy throughout the week that we had really been unable to take in all that “Give Kids the World” was all about. So, after getting everything packed back up, we headed out to explore the grounds. We played arcade games that took no money, drove remote control boats, rode the train, saw the toy train village that had so many functions we didn’t have time to check them all out, and we even attempted to play miniature golf. We decided however, that unless we wanted to take a child home with a concussion, it was best that Daddy and Jamahl finish the golf game by themselves! We walked by the sleeping tree one last time in attempt to wake him up and that brought us to the “Castle of Miracles”.
The “Castle of Miracles” is a very enchanting place that is truly magical. All of the kids got to make pillows in a special pillow machine, we rode the carousel a few last times, and the most important thing was that Keyan got to put her star up. Inside the castle, the ceiling is covered with shiny golden stars. Each child who comes to the village for a wish gets a star with their name on it put up on the ceiling. The star is left in your villa and you take it to the castle to have the Star Fairy hang it up. Keyan went thru the magical process of writing her name on the star, placing the star in the fairy’s treasure box, making a wish, and then when she opened the box, the star had been taken by the fairy. It was really neat. We have the exact coordinates of where Keyan’s star is placed. It is a very humbling experience to stand under hundreds of thousand gold stars realizing that each one represents a child who has had a dream come true. You know that some of those children are no longer here on this earth but instead, looking down through the stars helping our strong but sick children who are still with us. As you can imagine, I stood in awe, with tears streaming down my face. It was as moving as the most spiritual moment in my life. God was in those stars…even my dear Keyan’s star. It was such an affirmation of God’s promise to never leave or forsake us. Keyan has been thru so much and so has our family, but we have been guided and strengthened by our faith. I will never again look up at a sky full of stars without getting a pull at my heart.
The rest of the day was just going through the paces of getting back home. The plane rides went great. The girls caught up on some much needed sleep, Jamahl caught up on his homework, Paul caught a few winks of sleep as well, and as for me, I just cried. It was a healing cry way up there in the sky. I used the time to gather my strength and emotional well being so that I could be the Mom that these five special kids need me to be. The kind of mom that fights their battles and stands up for the wrongs done to them. The kind of mom that challenges them to perservere through the rough patches in life. I need to be a mom who laughs with them, plays with them, and loves them no matter what. That is what this trip did for me. It showed me some of the deep dark corners of my heart. The corners that show how much I dislike being a parent to a child with special needs. It made me take a hard look at the real me. It made me realize the endless amount of pride that I have in my family and thank God for choosing me to be their mom. I will never be the same. My spirit is softer and gentler. I have learned to value that quiet voice inside of me that urges me to keep going. The Make-a-Wish organization did more than grant Keyan a wish. They challenged our family to embrace life and be better for it. They truly changed my world.
8 comments:
You are the bestest mommy
crying. thanks for sharing your beautiful strong gentle heart.
Oh my gosh.
I am over on the DISboards and was about to try to describe the Pirate and Princess Party. I immediately thought of this trip and wanted to cite this blog to explain it.
When I came over here today...just to do that...and here is your last day. What a beautiful tribute. Not only to your children (What a wonderful Mom you are)...but so well described what it was like to both GO on a magical trip and come home. And how heartwrenching it is for parents.
I have never heard it said better.
What a wonderful blog. Yours is one of the best trip reports I have ever read. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Your life with us.
God bless you guys!
I have stood in the castle under those stars where Keyan's was added. I share your tears, the raw grief that shatters you heart and the enormous desire to embrace our destiny with determination fired from God that we can do today and all of our tomorrows. You will always be close to my heart. Praying for you and yours.
Not sure how my comment went on as anonymous but its from me to you.
Thank you for sharing. I am a volunteer at GKTW and you have given me new insight into the private feelings shared by our wish families. This will help me in better serving their needs. When I am in the Castle, I will look up and send a special prayer for your daughter and all the other wish children shining down on those of us privileged to be a volunteer.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts Stephanie. It even made me cry. Those stars are incredible. I can feel the pain and heartbreak even looking at them a year later on my computer. To be there in person.... I can only imagine how intense your feelings were at the time and can understand why you needed time to be able to write about it. You and your family are amazing and inspiring.
Stephanie - You are an amazing mom. You deal with so many challenges yet you parent with a kind heart and your children are going to grow up to be amazing adults.
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